Dying Within, Broken Inside
by Maxi-Luca
Summary: Short ficlet of the surface of what Tara was going through right after her mother die. People make mistakes when they're in pain.


Disclaimer: I don't own Tara or anything related to Buffy, however, the story...

Author's Note: Just really trying to make up for the HUGE lateness of "Chapters" and I hope I doing it? Hee... Also, "Chapters" may be late again for I have lost my beta reader, AKA my very own Tim... Enjoy the story!

**Dying Within, Broken Inside**

It was strange to her. It was foriegn and strange. It wasn't like anything she'd ever imagined. First it started with a kiss, then it grew. It wasn't love, tht's for sure. She just needed to feel something, anything to make the pain stop, even for a moment. She sure got it.

Tara layed there in the bed with this boy next to her, sleeping like a baby with a small smile on his face. Obviously he was dreaming about what had just happened not 30 minutes before. She continued to stare at the ceiling, finding the tiniest of cracks. Then her vision began to blur. 'Great,' she thought, 'There I go again.'

Slowly she removed the sheets and carefully got off of the bed and began to search for her clothing.

The clothes were scattered around the room and Tara picked up every last piece, putting each one on. It turned into a difficult task seeing as how sore her legs began to feel. She felt as if she had spent the last seven hours riding horses, when in reality, her prior activities only lasted a little under an hour.

Quickly, Tara glanced at the clock on the boy's dresser; it was a little before 10PM. 'Dammit, I'm going to be in trouble,' it was time to get home.

Quietly she walked to the open window and took one last glance at the boy, who was still happily asleep in his bed. "Sorry, Matt." she whispered before decending from the ledge and landing softly on the ground.

Going through the yard wasn't hard at all. Before she knew it, she was on the sidewalk, making her way back to her house.

She began to contemplate the possible senarios for when she got home. She imagined her father and brother waiting for her, seeing her, know what she had just done. Then she could see the back of a hand making contact with her face and her father yelling, calling her names then leaving the room in disgust, leaving her brother, Donny, with her.

He was what she feared, more for the physical aspect of pain. He never held back his strength. She could see the punches, full on fists, hitting her in the ribs, bruising them. Hitting her all over. She imagined the kicks he'd most likely give her.

'Why'd you do it?' she asked herself. "Good question," she replied.

She stopped and looked up into the night sky and tears began to fall down her face. "Mom... I'm s-so sorry. What have I done?" She looked down at herself, feeling utterly dirty. Her knees gave out and she collapsed on the ground and began to cry.

All her thoughts moved in her head as she desperately tried to organize them. The first thought was 'I'm gay.' She had suspected that before, but now it was confirmed.

The next thought: 'I'm all alone now.' Which in its own way was true. She was, now that her mother died, and only died a month ago. She'd lost the one person who cared about her and whom she cared about. The only person to make her feel human. Now that she was gone, Tara felt like she was losing it. Her sanity was slowly leaving.

The rest of her thoughts were small and moved too fast to pull aside to analyze. But Tara knew she was in for a long ride, and senior year was only four months into it, she was only into two months of being 17 years old.

She didn't realize what lied ahead of her. She couldn't comprehend it. And she wouldn't be able to stop it for a while longer. She'll keep making her mistakes, over and over again until she realizes what she's doing. Maybe not with another boy, or maybe so since she knows Matt will keep coming.

For now, all Tara can make of her disorganized thoughts and feelings was that she was alone and she was hurting. That this contact with someone, even if it was meaningless sex with a person of the opposite sex when she's gay, as long as she had that feeling, she'd know she was alive and not dying withing, not broken inside.

_End Scene_

Author's Note: I know it seems weird but I honestly believe Tara was "losing it" when her mother died. People do stupid things when they're in this much pain. Poor Tara. 


End file.
